The Hunt for the Saffron Chaddi

Statutory Warning!

The characters depicted in this particular blog are the property of aksphere.blogspot.com. These characters and events are fictional and any resemblance to persons living, dead, or fictional or situations past, present, or fictional is purely and completely coincidental or mentally developed by the readers.

Recently, I found myself living next door to ParamShivmani-Sena Supremo Balan Track-curry and Udupi Track-curry. We were undergoing a coaching, training on how to start kicking people and burn the Nation. They had a suite; I had a room, as I couldn’t afford those kinds of prices even though I had 854.75 INR. We met only when we were sanctioned out of our luxurious bunkers for our daily classes.

I was about to sign out from my Facebook account when my eyes stuck on a recent status message of a friend, a senior which read “I am a Malayalee and I am not a chauvinist...Inspiration...My name is Khan and I am not a Terrorist” Did he wanted to corroborate that, Chauvinism was there in all Malayalees or Chauvinism is the active one of mallu persona. I believed chauvinism was hidden in the testosterone hormone and it is not a private property of Mallus. I was disturbed from the thought when the accountant asked me to pay the coaching fee.

From the date the founders of the two countries, Mahatma Gandhi and Quaid-i-Azam Mohammad Ali Jinnah divided the Indian subcontinent, there had been smoke and fire though they put in the picture not to mix religion with politics. Partition is matured by 62 years. Neither the pressure cooker has switched off, nor has the content cooked fully. Anti-Pakistan feeling in India or anti-India feeling in Pakistan was there, still there and will...

A Chalk hit hard on my forehead.

“Once more you day dream and you are out of the class”. The Trainer growled.

I pretended not to see the T-currys mock at me.

"India wants to see itself as a modern economic power. We should give birth to communal conflicts... take the law in your hands and whip up a frenzy by playing on divisive and communal sentiments " The trainer continued and we started to take notes.

An office boy briskly came into the class and conveyed the message that Bollywood Big B couldn’t give his talk to the class by audio conference because of no range on his Blackberry as he was on his way to Ahmedabad to show his new movie to Chief Minister Narendran 'Makan' Jayakanthan on the Gujarat carnage.

I was a bit proud to get a chance to study with them. Balan Track-curry in India was like Lashkar-i-Taiba chief Hafiz Sayeed. The only difference I could make out was the sunglasses, Saffron colours, Rudrakshas on one side whereas Plain glasses, white colours and turban on the other. ParamShivmani-Sena is one such organisation which feels superior in disseminating the seeds of separation. Its followers are like the Taliban, less violent but equally fanatical.

Balan and Udupi would hang out together in the hall exchanging notes and cell phone numbers of their ‘Sena’ members and important sports and movie stardoms whom they want to kick and punch. As I had no notes or phone numbers worth their great talents, they excluded me from their intimate moments. I had missed the earlier coaching classes and thought that I should find out what had happened in the missed ones. They were wary of this newcomer as they obviously did not recognize me from my photographs. Admittedly, their faces were seen in Newspapers, Magazines, Internet and on TV. Mine were all just in the Orkut and Facebook.

“So guys, tell me what happens in the coaching classes?  Does the trainer show you a photograph of a person and teach you when and how to climb on his shoulder and eat the brains and wriggle him with high static electricity?”

“What do you think of us?” They snarled. “We are the Track-currys. Look at the Rudrakshas, my beard and his Moustache.” I wanted to appreciate that coir beard and the Moustache that looked like a Godzilla had defecated before disappearing into his nose, but kept quiet.

“Ya Balan Babu” Udupi snapped. “Orkut and Facebook may do things for you but does zero for guys like us. We get to see the real stuff. Marathi Manush! We experiment on great personalities to test their self control. Make them nude too, and if we pass we get silky saffron chaddies.”

“What if you don’t pass the test? What if the personalities don’t react?” I asked without a hesitation.

“If they do react, then they are defying the orders of the Sena chief so they would be made to go to Pakistan. If they don't react then they are traitors.” Udupi read from the small note-pad where he made important notes. “We will get the chaddis for sure.”

I wanted to take a Xerox of their notes and passing the test would be just cake walk and I dreamt of wearing that silky saffron chaddi.

"This is not Shahrukh, but the Khan in him that's saying all this, Khan – an Indian Muslim – has to move to Pakistan, There will be dire consequences if SRK defies the orders of Balan Babu.” I was turned on by the sweet talk I overheard of Udupi on phone. He was giggling while asking SRK, to apologise for supporting Pakistani cricket players. I came to know that SRK had regretted on Pak player's absence from the Indian Premier League and wished they be in his KKR. I even got goosebumps in my armpits when he meowed to Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar not be an Indian but a Marathi. I wanted to kiss his moustache when he asked to change the colour of his Ferrari from Red to Saffron and change the horse symbol to a ferocious tiger face.   

I walked past the swimming pool and saw Balan Babu drying his beard. I hid behind the showering room to hear the notes he was preparing. He was dictating notes to the speech recogniser in his high-end Sony Vaio (written in Marathi); born with Rudraksha garland in his hands he cannot write. But he did not show any bit of pride on that.

• “Aussie players should not be allowed to play in Maharashtra.” He snarled like a toy gun.
•  “The tomatoes and Ladies Finger produced in Maharashtra should be Saffron in colour from March 2010.” I tried my level best to copy the notes as fast as I can but Balu was very fast in speaking.
• “How to make Mukesh Ambani drink 3 liters of reliance petrol and eat 3 fried CDMA phones because  he quoted that Mumbai belonged to all.”
• “How to ban the screening of SRK's newest film, My Name is Khan, in all theatres in Maharashtra.”
• “32 ways to tear movie posters and threaten theatre owners.”
• “53 different demonstration types outside any houses in Mumbai.”
• “101 supremo quotes” (Eg:"2 idiots").
• "Sachin’s Ferrari Horse to be changed to a Tiger face.” I was confused whether Balu Mama had copied this from Uddup or viceversa.
• “Cows should be given the post of Maharashtra state Animal.”
• “Mumbai should be changed to ‘Umbaah’ with respect to the sound of the cows.”

 A hand rested on my shoulders.

“Balan Babu! He is overhearing you and copying your notes.”Udupi growled like a gigolo. He took my Play-Boy magazine in which I was scribbling the notes. “He should be tickled or stripped down Balan Babu?”

“You read too many adult magazines?” Babu asked me. “ I dunno about Udupi but everyone knows am leading a Sages's life, which gives me utmost control. Come on! I will give you a lesson on how to curb the ecstasy feelings using some Rudrakshas and a satin cloth."“No, Thank you Babu. I have to study hard to get the chaddi, The exams are round the corner.” I stood with my dreamy eyes and chewing some finger skins.

Balan Track-curry studied me while Udupi caressed me up and down, “You sure don’t look like a person to fit this course to me, I mean you are kinda young for the chaddi, it will not fit you, What’s your hobby? Theen pathi?”

“I am a Mallu.”

“Mallu!!!” They both fell on the floor catching each others thighs and tongues, laughing frantically.

Balu Baba being the only one who had seen parts other than Maharashtra on the map of India knew Kerala, the state where I was from. “Times have changed sweetheart. The more terror and hatred and illiteracy you make, the more famous you become, the more people fall on your feet to lick and suck”

I walked toward my bunker passing the office corridors. i was ashamed of the 120% literacy of my state.

With busy schedules filled with training lessons, lectures, practicals, the course days flew smoothly like a cadaver in the holy Ganges.

I came out of the final exam hall. I was devastated. I looked again and again into the question paper. I felt the whole world was crashing upon me. Two salty pearls rolled down from my forehead onto the question.

Time:1 hour 53 Minutes
Max Marks: 100

1. Explain briefly not exceeding 1341 words based on the statement given below. “Is the film industry paying for political party goons in getting some hype for their films?” Explain your views with examples if any.

I am back in Kerala, scribbling on MS Word, FB and Orkut smearing some more coconut oil on my hair thinking of the Chaddi. The Silky Saffron Chaddi.
Poor old Mallu. 

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